Existence

Existence is a funny thing. It wants to feel gratified (existent) in existence. And I do not feel that here# .

Social life

Social life is like smoking. Sale sb krte hain!

pain

why does it feel like
i am filling in all the wrong places?
why does it hurt like
i have no where to go?
what is wrong like
i don't have faith?
why is it so peculiar like
i am at odds?
why is it apprehensive like
i have never learned?
why is it stupid like
i have no knowledge

there is pain...

Kul

Zindagi me jo ds feesad sach hota hai na wo ishtehar ke lie hota hai. Aur phir abur-e-alam me jo karamat hota hai wohi iman hota hai. andaz-e-goyai se zada nahi chale, aur phir beh kr pakarti soz ko bar-o--behra, aur sard mehri ka nakush kehte hain. Wo soch me dhalne ko gard ka rog kehte hain. Wo shama me sham ke dhalte dekhne ko grehen da surag kehte hain. Wo jane me dayar aur pane me khot ke sb rup us me kehte hain. Aur be-suraghi se lafz-e-bayan wo mera kyun kehte hain? Ham hon me rawabat ko wo jhukna kehete hain. Khud me angan ke saput ko kila na-shaista kehte hain. Hm-nawa na sa kehte hain. Sachai ko jane ho ya us ka bhi kuch kila kuma kare ko hun? Hm-shagirdi me ilm se laip na hone ko na-shanasai sa hote jate ho. Lok ke virse me salees paya-go roe jate ho. Ankar ho to baki, na ho to khoye se jae ho. Aur jate me aik adad salam ka adaab se rawish me iman hue jate ho. Aise se kuch be-chain se iman se be-niaz hua jaon kyun na? Arasta aisi fehrist si lage hai. Parhna-goi me platoon aur na-ilmi me kul hua jata hun. Dairon ke saboot se shaid khud ka suragh lagana chor dena chaiye. Boht kuch hota hai. Arasta-e-dunia paish paish hota hai. Muflisi ka gosht khata sehra lagta hai tu, janum. Tu sar khujata pareshan lagta hai. Mathe ki silwat se kapre ke be-rukhi, yun jo lehaz se behrawar dupata ho dard ka. Us ne kaha, ahista se lapak ke ana, warna iman pareshan ho jae ga. Lafz tor ke dar-o-deewar yun khamosh ho gae. Me ne une jane dia, to jan de gae. Sale meri kul kainat the. Palat ke vi na dekha. Kamina had se be-jan tha. Phir ... phir me kul ho gaya.
Phir, aj mujh ko kuch kahe do. Kya. Moka mile na mile. Moka ks ke reza punji hai, us ne pucha. ALif ki hai, aur jis ki chahe us ki hai. Is se zada kisi ka bhais nahi hai. Filhal to. Chahe chahat ka fasana sa lagta hai. Hm to in ko bi chahat se nahi ane dete. Kahi wo shamen bolti hain, jb hm khamoshi lapait sirhane rakh lete hain. Goya ho kr kabhi behti hain, kabhi tutti hain, kabhi ghar jane ki arzu karti hain. Sifat-e-mai ho kr khud ko khud se milne lagti hain. Rukh me rukh talash krta me un se phir kinara kash ho jata hun. Sigrat ke kash lagati us ki boli yad a jati hai. Jo imtehan bohat leti thi. Mujh se zindagi ke wisal ki naweed sunaya krti thi. Bolti thi mujh ko rimak nazar ae hai. Me us ki khurd-beni pe rashk krta tha. Paya-jam wo meri ham-nasheen. Us me pr boht ajeeb raz the. Wo mujh ko charity kiya krti thi. Pr samajhti nahi thi. Aur me samjhaon kese! Ye kesi dast-giri hai, ke dast hi nahi... Iman se roz mukalma-e-mail hai. Iman le a. Wo fasih-o-baligh, wo ilm wale, wo ilm walon pe chor do. Yahan bol se sirf diwar giri aur niam se arman chale, Baki fasahat wo tujh me thi kb! Zindagi kasturi ka karanda malia-mait hai. Dubara us se mulakat ka hajit mand hr giz nahi. Zindagi aik sabut k lie, aik lihaz ki gharz se ada kr raha hun. Jb ada ho jae, to mujhe bula lena.
Aj jana, baghair hakikat ke insan ki na bat suni jati hai, na gharz. Aur sawal ka to sawal hi nai paida hota. Chahe tujh se tere marg ki so sawalon me asthia baha de, Ya tera chor ka tinka dari me nikal ae, chahe wo phir tere baal hi kyun na bethe hun zulf ke. Aik ilm me tha, salam ho tum pr.. us ne aur un ne yun hath jore ke mun me kalam aik ke aur aik ke shake ka glass tha aur paya-e-rukh janib-e-ayar tha. Ghair chalo milen aise, apne kese hain?

ch# 2
Kisi ke sath connection hone aur kisi k sath bat me boht fark hota hai. Hasil aur fukra me ik jan ki inayat hoti hai. Sudhar kr ilm hone aur asar se suragh pane me boht jan hoti hai. Insan ka chur ho kr kuch khona bhi rasai hoti hai, zindagi k us malal me js se hr lafz pr jane ko ji krta hai. Lughat ko tatol kr kuch fashan us noiyat ki naveed ko khabar hone ko jalal hota hai. Matlab me, maini me aram aur asaish lagti hai. ..Jis k hm kabhi na hue the. Js me hakikat ki dalil nahi lagti, js me faragh ka pn apna pn nahi lagta. Kisi ko kisam sulaghne me aisi koi kaleed mujh se br nhi hoti, jo samne ho to tum sb se km bano, so kisam nahi ho meri ki. Kuch chota chota sa tum se srhad rehna chahta hun. Jabhi jabhi na nazar me ae ga, jo ikhtiar ka tuta dharam kyunjane na wo wo nahi nazar. Angraizi ho zaban se darj hai cause and effect. Wo cause sahi, wo effect sahi, wo zehn me paradigm effect-and-cause hai. Jabhi to mads, mad houses hote. Un ka effect aur cause tu nahi samjhe ga. Jabhi to wo pagal.
Ab moat se dr nahi lagta. Moat kisi ko cheen le, boht choti hakikat lagti hai. Yahan to koi zinda reh kr bhi kisi ka nahi hua. Na bap k lie saya, na maa ke lie ruju. Wo wahan ja kr behtr zimdari se azad rahen ge. Wo zimadari jo kafi pehle hmen sikh leni chaiye thi, wo bojh cheenna chahta hun. Aur zindagi se guzarish hai, itna to mujh se rubaru raho ke zimadari sikh jaon. Baghair kisi dhoke me ae k zindagi thopi ja rahi hai. Aur aj kl, Adhe hath ki churi pehnne lage. Acha lagta hai. Apni hakikat kuch aisi si hai. Aur baten is ashiane me bhul jati hain. Ilm me lena bhul jata hai. Rasai si nahi rehti. Aalam beaalam sa lagta hai. Khud ko pata hun, aur kursi ka zameer pata hun.
Us ki kudrat me shumar hm apni hi bagal me bethe hain. Sarapa-e-taigh tn ankhain kisi shor me majma hain. Kisi se koi chin gya, jane wo tha kb yahan ka? Zeest me bethe khud se alam me beja alam hain. Jo maholat de, de is kadar ke kudrat se palat kr na jaon. Aztarab kisi ko lia, aj aik aur dunia se jo gya. Nm boht ankhen hon gi, go chara-khwar hain. Dheere se a kr hm pe jae-gah hain. Wo hain, koi yad ata hai. Kisi ka koi apna gya, aur hm thand se be-hiss dehkte hain. Aj bhi ajeeb tha. Subhe is pe bat ki, begangi se tb se khud ko gareeban-khaiz hun. Jaza me be-kasi si hai, jo gr do rog ro len.
Jitna idealistic hona hai ho lo. Patakh kr wapis zameen pr hi de mare ga. Tumhen sitaron ki ginti to kya, chand bhi ginti me nahi ata. Roz ka ik tana khud ko jawaban sunata hun, gharz ki haisiat se keh chot jo lg rahi hai wo mere tutne se hai, kisi ke torne se nahi. Sharab pi sakta hun, kisi shrabi ka khilona nahi manzur. Mujh ko to masjid ki bhi rah nahi ati, baki taleem se kya karun ga. Kis takat ka, jamiat ka dhindora pitun ga. Ks haisiat se pas hone ki dua karun? Ks kinare par ka us se girgraon? Bola, dua kr raha hun, soda nahi. Moam pr jo dehekhti tajali hoti hai na, us ka pas rakh raha hun. Bs pighal raha hun. Us ki oat me. Aur jb hawa ko hanka jata to wo ankh macholi khelne lagti. Hamesha bazid ho jaya krta hun. Akhir is macholi me jana to nahi hai na. Sidhi si bat hai, jb kisi ki zindagi pr zor nahi chalta, to apni zindagi ko hanka jata hai. Is lie parhez acha hai, wakt se kisi ko chor dene ka. Kabhi kabhi kisi ki baten tezab jesi lgti hen. Jese mujh se wo kisi cheez ka badla le raha hon. Jabhi to kehta hun, kabhi tnha mt chorna... wrna us ki trha bn jaon ga. Jo mr jate hain ya mar dete hain. Suna hai Wo zat zarf azmati hai. Us ke imtehan ki basharat phir yun hui, me us ke angan ki chingari bn gaya. Fazail-e-ilm aur ilm ki rehmat se wakif hun. Phir kuch ajnabi sa fir bi hun? Aur kisi ke safr ke musafir se kehna justaju kabhi na kario. Ilham ho to manun ga!
Mitun k zarf khoya jata hai. Kyun be-murad khud se lafz hua jata hai. Auron ne than li ho kafalat, to tum bhi kafalat ki mohabat karo ge? Bejan pare daron pe behissi ki chadar orhe baitha hun. Lotna hai to lot ao. Warna khud se bigar jaon ga. Langar mil raha hai. Lotna hai to lot ao. Phir bolun kya, tu yahan nahi aya. Me yahan aya hun. Tere jane se fark nahi prta. Mere jane se fark prta hai. Bolna acha lgta hai. Lekin do din bad wohi lafz zeher lagte hain. Lafz wo tijori lagti hai jo kul nahi hoti. Kisi ka gira hua kirdar dekhta hun, to khud k mayar pe ungli uthti hai. Najane us ko mujh k samne girna kyun  asan laga? Hr lamha yun wakt ka zya aur iman ki zyadti lagta hai.        
Ashk ankh se yun ankh macholi khelti hai, jese lafz aitraz-e-aitbar me. Kai ghayab ho jate hain aur lot kr sambhalne me nahi ate. Us takleed ki simti hui takleef lagta hun. Asbat me mile jawab ki herangi lagta hun. Bohat si jagon ko tatol kr dekh lia, ye rang ye lafz mere jo mujh me hue jate hain, in ki akhrat rui ki trha bhigoya bojh bn jati hai. Jo me me ata hai, wo prda krne lage to jawaz hai ki kisi ko janta pehchanta nahi. Mumkin hai goli ke dane ki trha prescribe kr di jae, magar jawaz hai ki is kya ilm-joi hai? ks pr shak kare ga. Han goli hai na,... aik wakt ki chut jae, agle ka aitabar kr guzarta hai. Zindagi bhi aisi hi hai, go ke ye bare log chahte hain hr sans pe goli ki pairwi ho. Phir itminan jae hai, to chapaki laga ke gharz hai tu chatak kyun nahi de hai ye rawaiya, ye be-aitanai. Go k subh sham se tanao nazar ata hai.          
Ilm aik khatarnak cheez hai. Bune hue ik hijab ke piche tujhe dhankne ki tadbeeren hain. Aur phir tujh se yakeen manga jata hai? Azbar hole hole se hona aur bn raha hun. Tu janta hai, hone aur banne me fark hota hai..? Chahe ab so sawal ho ya musanif. Kuch kan fareek hain is dehshat me. K wo drd se takleef me hain. Un ko na chua, na zakhm dia, pr aise banjh rahe hain jese the mehv-e-suragh-e-drd. Kuch seekh se bhi bohat piche ja raha hun, hr giz na wese chahun ga, na pltun ga, na imtehan me tasali dun ga. Bohat ajab, wakt-e-tees me tnha hi sahi, sahi phir tum kyun ho? Aur ho to ho, pr is nam se kyun? Tum se tumhara nam cheenna chahta hun. Takleef dena chahta hun. Is jalul me kisi ka afsana hona chahta hun. Mujhey yahan se jane do. Wrna zindagi ki dor meri kaman me lage gi, Aur teer tum pe birchi ki trha brsen ge. Arasta paish paish, ye jo usatadi hai, bohat beniaz hai kasam is se. Kasam se, mentorship aik illusion hai. Ba-zarurat, ba-adab, bs lughat ki dheri hai. Wo mera gareeban khenchta hai. Jb drd hota hain. Me sochun mujh gareeban me kya dwa milti usko? Kuch dwa kare phir is drd ki bi koi. Likhne wale adeeb bhi kya kamal krte hain. Adeebi me adab zada, adavat zada, me hm kahan hain? Kashkol me me lie kya dhan banate hain!  
Wakt pr smbhal lena chaiye, warna milne ki khwaish kon krta hai hr mitai k bad! Logon ko dunia me muhafiz mil jate. Meri zamanat to sidhi Us k pas hai.
Jin ki zindagi me choti choti baten nahi hoti, unhe choti choti baton me dilchaspi nahi leni chaiye.

CH # 3
dunia ki khofnak tareen jidat us ki sunwai me hai. zamana hun aisa k khud ko samajhna nagwar samajhta hun. Aur phir kuch aise jor paich k khud pe hairan hun? Aram se na akida hun, na faroshi. Fehem hun hr khyal se pehle. Aitabar hun, hr dstras se pehle. Anbar hun aur phir kuch paich-o-kham to khreed sakta hun! K nai! Anghoti aur mala, jb kaya na palti jae, to pala leta hun. Furak se bad-o-naha paich-kham hun. Bil kul usi trha, js trha k murawat se pehle mohabat hai. Nai samjhe to us tsweer ko dekh lo, jise nohabat se kabhi dekha krte the, ab hryali ke ghair shabd hain. Han tasweer aur shabd. Dunia me la-makan thehre. Shayad phir se khuch adha sa suna. Hamesha ki trha? Is lie kuch radi is gharz se bana raha hun. Asool asool ki bat hai akhir. Kuch ba-wajud hain asool ki khatir. Aur kuch theher gae be-wajud. Kyun be, tere mamun ka sheher hai? Tasawur ho to kehte hain kainat palat jati hai, yahan kainat kul ho rahi hai mere tasawur ke baghair. Kehte hain! Nahi. Suna hai. Khair hua k aik bhai ki gharz kya bolun! k sach na bolun? Mere se pucho. Arz hai, k gharz. Hr koi zindagi jine lage, to zindagi ka mohafiz kon ho ga! Jabhi to foji hun. Bakion ki trha wardi ka nahi. Fojdari ka dil dharakta hai seene me. 

lughat ke kuch pate torun aur kuch yun kahun aur phir chup. Kuch ajeeb na-haisiat de rakhi hai mujhey. Jane ka kasht krte nahi, aur hamare ane ki jaga nahi. Phir dheere se kuch baten samajh jate ho. Aur jb wade krte ho, to wo khud se khurd me be-dawam .. lafz lafz hue phirte hain, ke lmhe ayam ho kr khud sawal hue milte hain. Aur pareshan-justaju me go-ma-go peene ka kehte hain. Phir garaiban ka ghar ho kr mujhey hi us pr gard kr dete ho. Tashree to dur, is pr bat bhi khatre ki tilawat hai. Zameen se palat kr, chahun k ye hawa-rukh be-jaam sham ka jam ho jae aur aisi yakeeni se barse jese asman se nawazish-e-barish. Phir us me koi aise thar thar kanpe jese jan se rutha hua jism. Jor to dur, chehra nami me la-pata mile. Phir dre-khashan chun lie jao. Rabt se tujh ko be-rabt tolne me. Tujh me hr hd mayar se pehle khatam ho jati ho. Khud ko kandha die jao, jane kb jidat se chalte bano! Nihayat gin kr lafz kholna, tum pr pehle hi katal ka jurm hai. Lal rang raho, khun lage hue paiwand malum hon ge. Aur chubhti hui falahi se waktan waktan mano k tum harj hi kya ho! Dane dane pe likha hai prhaiz krne wale ka nam. Aik dana tum bhi bn jao. azale k lie tyar ho jao. Panch se ginti ho gi! Aur kahun kya k bigar jao! Wo ky hai na, k tera kufara koi aur ada na kare ga.

BELIEF

You are used to of listening that.
But I am not used to of speaking ...-

Mister Cashaw, will you kindly send for the bags?

What about the suitcase, Rugby?

You keep them.

Right. And I shall leave for flight at noon. Do you mean to have a word for your mother?

Yea. Tell her, I miss her. And give her lots of love.

Yes. Future baronet.

Oh well,

You smile like a doll.

Idiot, if you hug someone like that they are sure to give you bouts of certainty, and there's none certainty more than in any than doll..

Ohoho, yes of course. There your bags. Your fraternity and your 'certain' calls are outside. Now go.

Alas, i am always waiting for that 'certain' calls. It's at these times, you feel single.

 Ahaha. Goodness..

Ah, hush. The window's rattling..

Wha-?

SHhh..

What?

...

Harriet! what the hell.

You were'nt to..

Now freeze, or i'll blow her up.

Jack?

No. I am not jack. Though you should have settled with Jack, Rugby. Now you owe me a big bomb.

Just wait and watch... 

Just what did you sqeaked.

Nothing.

Nothing? 

Yea. Really nothing that would grapple a ho stain of blood on her satin..-

It was a scandal that pulled people away from me na. Now it will be a scandal that pulled people away from you, Rag! Heh.

Have you gone mad?

No. Not really. Not for nothing!

You made me into this. Now enjoy. ENjoy the show Rag.  

A show in which this punk will die. Soonly yesh.

I am busy

Okaay. Sure. Leave. And this thing will be over soon. Good for me. 

Definitely.

Hey, hey, hey, why, what ..hey Rugby why are you so cold? He-

He won't do anything to it. Don't worry.

Worry is at your brow, bro... And it should be. Do something!

For who?

He knows the manual of life, Janna, Hah
Let him go..
...and suffer.

Do you even know the meaning of it?

Destitute, dear intellectual, my very dear Rag!
Your benevolence failed me.

Leave him alone.

But why is it you leaving, like always?

Anywhere round me, and you'll be in. Remember that!

Ru- Rugby... where ...?

We are leaving. ANd now!

He won't do anything. Believe me.

fan

the perity, the knowledge, the honed, the phony
he was much like me, my cut, copy, paste
the inclusion, the rue and fallacy may behave
all fond and fondless at the desert of my hand
the desertion is sashed on his bane and colossal vies
in the close of meaning, jarred a clone
impart in part he has all to gone dones
he dose, it was mundane to be him
he sues me for being me-
mirror awby bails,
a depth in shallow thing brawls
a flimsy, i read me life
it was the protocol to my fan

i was ghost

crude by the solace and hampered by the name,
the little beck was a huge flog
once the seeps and no here, no clench
the cadence had little hope
jagged in the coronary and love
little sight is sewed, and weed romp clogs
feud of sounds and louds, the emination did hurt
spurt at lowly loss, no gains, and all vains
fagged deckless on the lamp of shade and tried for hour
the gravity was non-sober, herald 'what was?'
i was. non-have. non-true. and speechless
i was ghost.

Parhai Babu Ji...

itna parh ke kya sila mila? mere ko chaar paise kamane laik v nai chorna...